27% of Facebook’s server is spent on the term “lol!” And that is the second most revolting Internet distinction. The first, well, that is the fact that cats won the Internet. Al Gore has to be rolling in his eco-friendly lair knowing that his life’s work is now a high-tech cat-picture-distribution system. I pride myself for achieving a specified air of canine pragmatism, and such levity is why your cat fascination is more perplexing than offensive.
Do you humans realize that you have created a world where ICANHASCHEEZEBURGER develops into a multi-million dollar conglomerate based strictly on snarky comments in white block text
photo-shopped over cat pics. These are the issues that cloud my psyche as I chase fire trucks and bark at mailmen. Cat memes have overtaken the Internet to such a degree that a holiday sprouted from the message boards of 4chan. They have overtaken the Internet so egregiously that cat memes inundate spam folders with a frequency rivaling a Biden SOTU clap. ‘ICANHASCHEEZEBURGER’, ‘cute boys with cats’ and the endless cat Tumblrs, ‘cashcats.biz,’ exist for humans to do nothing but view pictures of cats all day.
So, as the self-appointed Czar of Web Dogs, I concede the victory to cats – with one significant caveat – we never cared as much as you. 42% of Americans self-identify as “dog-people,” the next highest is “neither” at 28% and cat people compose 12% of the sample. People prefer neither to cats … neither! If the aforementioned was a pie chart of what people would do if they won a million dollars, cat people would be the donate it to charity slice (Hedberg, Mitch). Cats can have the web, we have the world. No, seriously, we won the world, and I can prove it, without resorting to the verified and universally accepted belief that we are man’s best friend, without mentioning Lassie, Benji, Old Yeller, Rin Tin Tin, the Frasier dog, Russian Cosmonaut and first canine in space Laika, Oval Office Bo, or even Air Bud, and I won’t mention the fact that cats are just ugly stinky-heads created from the rib of Beelzebub himself… I won’t mention that.
In case you weren’t paying attention, I totally mentioned all the things I wasn’t going to mention during the disclaimer. And this is a form of metalogic and formal semantic analysis that cat’s brains are unable to comprehend which will be another canine advantage that I will ignore for the remainder.
Dog Win #1
We have been domesticated for over 14,000 years, while cats just broke the 7,000-year mark. Cats are still in the dark ages, while we have already embarked on a canidae age of enlightenment, consumed Voltaire and Kant, and found romanticism. Cats, hell, we wish you luck, you still have to survive the plague; we hear it’s a bitch, and unfortunately not the canine variety.
Dog Win #2
Has a cat ever saved a family from a fire… well, yes, but in those cases it’s usually the cat that started the fire, so all things considered, no. Do you know why? Because they only have 19 million odor-sensitive cells in their noses. Humans have an adorable 5 million, good job you guys, way to win evolution! But we have 500 million, heck, I can smell 7 fires from my South Beach Villa now… hold on, let me call the fire department.
Dog Win #3
Speaking of the fire department, have you ever witnessed a cat standing guard next to a brave firefighter… waiting, no seriously I’ll wait, ready, good, because the answer is no. But dogs, we are at attention with the heart of a gladiator and the cunning of Red Adair. Firefighters love us because we are the best… and because we are an overall enjoyable genus.
Dog Win #4
Cats produce substantially more uric acid than dogs do. Those of you who paid attention to the Watson and Crick portion of your college education understand that uric acid is the stinky component to urine. So what I am trying to say without succumbing to the crass tactless feline conversational tropes is that cat pee stinks far worse than dog pee. And at least ours isn’t floating in a pile of sand you call a litter box.
Dog Win #5
Dog owners are healthier. On average they have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, higher quality of life, fewer simple ailments, and fewer life threatening medical conditions. The research of Doctor Harry Harlow taught us that companionship is the greatest gift and is the greatest correlating factor to quality of life. And we are the greatest companions so it should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyways) that our owners enjoy the greatest of lives because of us.
Dog Win #6
As Dog Draper I tend to deconstruct everything to its fiscal components. The worth of an entity isn’t arrived at arbitrarily; it is based on how much someone is willing to pay. This is why an iPod costs more than something like the Zune, which does the same job. An iPod is worth more because people will pay more for it. Using this line of logic, which is brilliant since I wrote it, we can determine the worth of a cat or dog: i.e. the economic, social, and psychic ranking distinction between a dog and a cat. The average lifetime cost of a dog is approximately $8,435… and a cat clocks in at $6,622. So people pay more for dogs, meaning that we are worth more, meaning we are better than cats, meaning we won!
Thanks for reading, carry on forwarding those silly cat pics, we don’t mind, but lest ye forget, when push comes to shove we all know that dogs are the real cat’s meow!